Guide to the planets of Babylon Park

Hey there now! My name’s Borip. I ain’t no fancy technowiccan, and I sure’s hell not some bookworm from some university. I just say things like they are. I been from one end of the galaxy to the other, and I seen a lot or strange stuff. So sit back a spell while I gab on about some of it.

Being a bit of a trader, I’ll let you in on something. The major homeworld planets are nothing but red tape nightmares. Avoid them if you can, but if ya gotta go, here’s some essential information:

EARTH – After three hundred years of corporate control, Earth is a pit. After the Collapse of Everything in 2036, humanity is forced to live either under corporation-administered domes or orbital facilities. A significant chunk of Allied Earth’s budget was directed toward preserving a few square miles around Earthhome from the otherwise toxic temperatures and atmosphere of the rest of the planet, but it was decided that astoturf and animatronic wildlife delivered far better ROI.

NORNIA – When the Centori bought the entire planet for a few credits and some cheap plastic beads the Norn could never have known about the hundred years of slavery and abuse they would endure. When the Centori were forced to leave due to budget cutbacks, Nornia was a wreck of a world, although now it has ample parking.

CENTORUS SECUNDUS – Known as the only planet in the galaxy to have significantly increased its gravitational pull due to the massive amounts of goods looted from conquered civilizations. Centorus Secundus is open from 8am to 9pm, except on Sundays where it is open from 12pm to 6pm. But if you have the creds, getting in after hours is not a problem.

MINBORE – After thousands of years of developing their culture and technology, the Minboring are stil… boring. It takes forever to do anything or get anywhere on Minbore because strict cultural protocols must be followed lest the Minboring feel another Jyhad is in order.

BAJA’DUNE – Millennia ago, the Shadowmen walked along the sandy beaches of their homeworld contemplating life, the universe, and, well, everything. That is, when the tide wasn’t generating 9-story tubes for some of the best surfing in the galaxy. Today, the Shadowmen are but shadows of their former philosophical selves; bent on hoarding the galaxy’s Cheezy Spoo for their own chaotic ends.

VORGON – Eons of terraforming have turned Vorgon and its surrounding territories into a place of perfect order. While current design practices allow greater mathematical freedom, this bastion of structure is considered the Most Banal Planet in the Universe.

See you on the flushside,